Emptiness as fuel to your life

Loneliness, depression, change, misunderstandings and complete emptiness are not unfamiliar words for any of us. In this fast world of showing only the bright side of everyone’s life through social media and seeing people wearing a constant mask or even doing it ourselves is our daily bread and butter.

Sometimes we need a “time out” of… well… pretty much everything.

Work might get tough, life seems harder than it needs to be, things do not bring the joy they used to. This colorless world seems to be only grey now.

Do you see yourself in these lines? If so, I have some good news.

Believe it or not, it’s in your head… All the dark thoughts, all the misleading events from the right path, pretty much all the “Why me?” thoughts, every little bit of it is part of you, putting yourself down again.

I am tearing up while writing this, because I have the same miserable thoughts, but I realize that all the negatives are things which are in my head. They are a bad dream. Unreal.

First thing I did after I cried out my soul a bit and started to write this article was to write down a list of things I can do, which make me happy and reverse the unfair negative thoughts in my mind.

Writing, drawing, music, excercising or just going for a walk in the woods, take whatever you like to do, write it down and think about it for a second. What do you see, when you think about your favorite activities? Do you see yourself being down in the depths of your depression, or do you see yourself having fun while doing it?

Of course you don’t see yourselves down under, no… You are happy, because these are your favorite things and you like to do them. Write them down, write as much things as you can, dream a bit and use your depression as fuel to the emptiness you feel right now.

Everything changes in a bit again, you are going to see. Just give it time, try to focus on the good things and use your bad thoughts to show yourself, you can be a better person a better You.

Whoever deals with any kind of depression, remember you are not alone and things gonna be better. Live your life, enjoy the quality times and learn from your mistakes.

“Hi dear! I am home!!!”

Every now and then I come home and the words “Hi dear! I am home!!!” slip out of my mouth without even thinking about it.

This doesn’t happen because I have once again forgot that I have nobody coming home to, but probably just to reassure myself that it’s going to be better someday.

I have been so many times and I didn’t give up, I have been torn apart, fixed, broken, repaired, disappointed and patched all together again. Countless tries to be happy in my life, countless mistakes and countless successes in life.

Loneliness is hard for everyone. Since I have moved all of my life to bigger cities, I can feel the loneliness sometimes in the air, or at least I think I do. Sometimes when you just look into the worried eyes of some random strangers and you have just a glimpse of empathy, you can see it, you can feel it, god knows you can taste the loneliness inside some of those broken souls outside.

The bigger the city, the lonelier the people. The bigger the scar on your heart, the more closed up it gets. The more you have been through, the tougher you get, but also the more you run into the edge between starting all over again and just giving up.

I am not one to cry all the time, but I am an emotional human being knowing the difference between love and being loved.

It’s hard to love, when you are not being loved.

Anyway, there is not much you can do, you need to love, you need to put up that smile on your face and you need to get back on your broken feet, straight up your broken neck and get your sh… heart together to face real life again and again.

Do love, do smile, do believe in a happy ending, no one else is going to do it for you.

Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, whoever you are and whatever you have done, listen, you are not alone, I do love you and I send you my positive vibe right now. Hang in there beautiful, because you are worth the waiting game, you are worth the love and you are a beautiful human being and I believe in you!

i believe in you

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Every year I disappear

There is this time in our lives when we just stop and think about all the stuff we have achieved, we failed at or has occurred. Unfortunately this is not happening often enough, mostly on occasions like birthdays, the end of the year or when something life changing went down.

This is the time of the year for me again where I re-evaluate my life and overthink a lot of things to be ready for a fresh start.

It is the time when I disappear in my thoughts and instead of enthusiastically enjoy the Christmas time, I just stop for a while, think and would like to crawl back into my small cave not seeing anyone and just sort my thoughts out.

I was blessed with Christmas, New years Eve and my birthday at the same month and therefore it’s a very emotional month for me including family, friends and (ex-)lovers being on my thoughts.

The never ending journey of getting old has a main part in this roller-coaster of feelings as well. Women get more beautiful one year at a time and men get wiser.

Me? I am getting more thoughtful…

What did I do to be here in this very spot. How did I deserve all the things I have. Why is everything changing and still staying the same. When do I ever understand anything at all and where do I even start…

One step at a time, one step at a time… – I think to myself as I wander off into the land of thoughts once again.



The Search goes on

In modern society everyone is on a search regardless of the subject of matter, there is always a search going on, which brings everyone forward.

You can find people searching for love, fortune, the perfect job, new stuff they want to buy, the inner peace, happiness or even themselves.

I was pretty much my whole life living in the impression that life is about the searching for a beautiful woman, who would like to have a family with me a nice job which can bring food on the table and a roof over our heads which will make us feel good and secure.

The more I searched for the woman of my life, the harder I hit the ground of reality again and again to find myself in a deeper low than the one before. Trying to avoid my previous mistakes I was getting up and I tried again to achieve my goals and therefore the search would have an end and I could finally be happy.

It took me about 25 years to realize that this approach is a naïve foolish way of living.

Don’t get me wrong, the idea is great, American dream like and just something which everyone would like to achieve somehow, but reality is different. Life is not fair and this is not a cry for help nor a pessimistic view of life.

It’s more like a realization that life has so much more to offer and my close-minded self couldn’t see the forest for the trees.

My impression of happiness was to get that girl, score that job position, start that family and build that house, but I didn’t see, that only if I get happy, then I can get all of the other things. Maybe I didn’t want to see it or maybe I am still wrong and in another 25 years I will read this article and think what a moron I was.

Writing the previous paragraph, I had to stop for a second and think. Tell me how is it, that if I really am in need of happiness to achieve all of my goals, I know people who are only complainers or only pessimistic people, but have more or less achieved all of my goals in a faster way.

I mean how comes that the negative complainer I know is in a long lasting relationship getting that job, the money to achieve the next step.

Does that mean, that the negative complainer is actually happier than me and found somebody to complain with? Does it mean that the negative views of a Nazi who is terrorizing the neighbourhood but has a beautiful family at home is a better person than me and therefore deserves all of these good things?

Who did I hurt to not deserve a slice of cake?

Why is the boss of a multimillion-dollar company, who is screwing the secretary and cheating on his wife happier and more blessed than someone who is just on a search for their whole life?

How comes that people who are not able to finish high school, have children in the ripe age of 18 and never really achieving anything much happier than people who are intelligent, but struggling their whole life to find at least a little bit of happiness.


I don’t know the answers to any of these questions.


I can guess that the complainers found each other and complain together in peace and happiness. I would guess that the Nazi was raised wrongly and will face karma soon enough. I would hope that the rich boss will be judged and sentenced as he deserves and I can only wish, that the young parents will be having a healthy and happy family, but where is me in all of this? Where is you? Where is the happiness we seek?

Everyone is on a search… Some might have found what they were looking for.              Some might not even give it a second to think about stuff like this and others… well, others might never find peace and happiness.

These are the poorest of us, the saddest examples… But also the strongest ones, who deserve to be praised for their bravery and dedication to go on, no matter what.

Shout out to all of you who are still searching for whatever you are searching…

I am here, I understand, I am one of you, don’t give up, search everywhere and I wish you to find whatever you are looking for.








Everything is temporary.

Every year, month, day, hour, minute, second and moment in this life is temporal. Every single period of time is just here for a short occasion until it disappears and a new one starts.

I know this is common knowledge, but did you ever think about it in detail? This child playing on the playground is with every day wiser and gets to know more things. That grandmother is daily facing the cruel reality of getting older and your first kiss with yesterday’s date is also gone so what now?

A lot of people are planning ahead what to do and a lot of people are also not planning anything after all, but the importance of life is living in the moment and not thinking about the future, worrying about your past or regretting not fulfilled dreams.

We have to live in the now and here, realizing the importance of being alive in this very moment and filtering all the things which are not important and are just draining our attention.

It’s easier to say, than to do… If you have been on a concert lately, you are going to realize how many people are actually enjoying the evening and how many are recording a video / making pictures to enrich their precious Instagram and Facebook wall. I do not judge people, who are doing that, I was indeed also one of those making videos or pics so I can remember the moment and think about it retrospective.

What was for me a moment which should be remembered forever did actually evolve into a moment I did not enjoy as much as I could. In the end watching your favorite band in the front rows of a festival through the screen of your smartphone is less than entertaining. Instead you could just leave your phone in your pocket and actually LIVE THE MOMENT.

It really hit me when I realized this little tiny detail of enjoying and living in the moment, instead of just making a record of something I will probably not even look at again. A very important role in realizing this played for me the writer Eckhart Tolle with his book “The Power of NOW”. This is one exemplary book which teaches you how to focus on the now in a greater scale and I would recommend it to you as for your inner balance.

I need to admit, that it took me longer to understand what Tolle is writing and it took me even longer to actually focus on the now and being able to live in it and yes, I am no expert, so I am not able to live in the now every single moment, but just realizing it and thinking about it makes a hell of a difference.

Try sometimes to switch off everything around you, regardless if you are outside between people, in a car, at home or at work and just filter it all thing by thing.

Imagine you are in the car (please don’t drive while trying this, or reading this 😊 ).

And now try to filter every single sound you hear, the cars engine, the radio, the wheels going over the street, the other cars outside, your driver. Close your eyes and take a deep breath, realize all the smells around you, the cars interior, the fresh air coming through the window, the flowers outside, yourself and your driver and just keep enjoying the moment totally awake and conscious.

In this moment, try not to think about anything, be cautious to not get tricked by your brain into another web of thoughts, just stay still, don’t overthink stuff, focus only on yourself and the short moment you are living right now.

You can do this wherever you are, you don’t need anything for it and it can help getting your life in a little balance as it supports your inner self and works as a sort of meditation.

I am not a person who would meditate on the floor with incense filling the room with a nice smell while listening to mantras, but hey if this is something which helps to get you calmer, then it’s exactly what you should do. Who am I lying to, I also used to listen to some mantras to make my head empty, not being mad at anyone and just focusing on myself.

In the end it is a temporal moment. It will be gone any second now…

Try to enjoy life as much as you can, we are here just once and life is too short to only make pictures and videos of situations which we do not fully enjoy. Therefore again, sometimes please just stop and enjoy.

Busy people who are always having something on their mind need this to calm down. The problem is, that most of these people clear their head with alcohol, sex or drugs, which is good for a while but not on a long run, therefore try it, empty your head and open your heart, you might be surprised what happens. 😉



What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

Overall I am quite a healthy person. I am working out as much as I can, I don’t eat fast food all the time and do not avoid all the veggies, anyhow I am still a meat enthusiast and enjoy to get a burger and fries from time to time.

Due to my sport activities and reasonable eating habits I am getting sick once a year or less. In the last few years I have always be working even though getting sick. Because of my field of business I have been able to work from home or just be healthy enough to go back to work and survive the 8 hours of coughing etc.

This year it was somehow different, I got sick and needed a rest. This was the first time in the last three years and I will tell you one thing. Being sick is no fun.

Despite the fact, that you are in bed suffering various problems, there is always the time when you feel a little bit better and you have free time. This free time can be invested in many things to develop yourself, learn something new, get in contact with old friends or just quietly suffering.

In the first days you mostly enjoy that you don’t have to be doing anything, nobody judges you and you can just lay down, watch movies, drink your tea and eat some fruits. After a while though it starts to be repetitive, the movies are not enjoyable anymore and you are sick of all the tea you are consuming on an hourly matter.

When my doctor told me, that I am going to be a week at home, I was already complaining about being at home for more than 24 hours is quite annoying and I got nothing to do. The doctor looked at me with a bright light in his eyes saying: “I would be happy to be at home, because I could finally learn something new. I never have time to learn whatever I want to learn.” This was quite inspirational hearing it from your doctor, who is probably well educated and doesn’t stop learning at least according to his words.

After a while of suffering from your illness you need to get your *stuff* together and actually do something to not feel like a little piece of *stuff*…

Laying the whole day in bed is putting you down, not being productive is making you feel useless, the drugs you are taking can also support the depressive feeling in your mind and the actual sickness is just helping to have a bad feeling overall.

Once you get on the point of feeling really bad, because you didn’t achieve anything in those days, you start to wonder what are you doing wrong and you start to judge yourself. I mean you can’t just sit here everyday, doing nothing and expecting to feel like superman.

It took me 4 days of planning what I want to do, to actually doing anything. Not that I couldn’t do it, more like I didn’t want to do anything. Demotivated, suffering and overall bad mood just drags you back to depressing thoughts until you decide that it has been enough and in my case, write down several topics I could write about. And this article is one of the first productive things I am doing during my illness.

What I wanted to note with this writing is just the fact, that you need to get out of your comfort zone even when being sick, realizing what you are doing wrong even when you feel badly, trying to get back on your feet even though it’s just a mental stat you got to achieve and stop with feeling miserable, to achieve mental health and therefore also physical health.

It doesn’t matter if you start to watch a podcast to learn more, train you guitar skills, read books to educate yourself, search for a new job or even sort your documents and settle some fights you had with your friends. The point is to start something and do stuff, so you fill your inner emptiness and feel better, so your body can adjust and also start to feel better.

This is the first step of getting into shape again. Mental preparation to face the real world once again and after the illness coming back like never before.

Stronger, educated, aware and transformed.



Snowflakes are a lie.

My whole life I have been living in the illusion I got burned into my mind by my lovely family.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my family, everyone. Even the weirdest members of my family regardless of their contact to us or not, I love them from the bottom of my heart.

I have been raised in the generation of ‘special kids’.

As our previous generation of parents didn’t get much love those days and were lacking the sense of sharing thoughts and believes if they were too liberal. My parents tried to make it up with sentences, which my generation heard much more just because the lack of love from previous generations.

Therefore, all of us was is so special, so unique. Our generation is full of genius individuals, famous artists and technical master minds. NOT…

Most of our generation has been raised in thinking that we can achieve whatever we want, that we are the change this world needs and that whatever comes up to your mind, you are able to do it.

Even though I support this idea, that we raise our children in a good manner, make them have some self confidence and embrace all what they want to do, it would be nice to stay on the realistic side of life.

Yes, stars, this is what we need to reach for, but also realizing that you are not special. “You’re not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else. We’re all part of the same compost heap. We’re all singing, all dancing crap of the world.” (Chuck Palahniuk – Fight Club)

As harsh it sounds and as trashy a quote from Fight Club is, it has a great point, which I can only support at this point. I am no special unique snowflake. We are all going through the same mud, the exception is what you are going to do with it. One of my favourite quotes is “We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars” By Oscar Wilde

In my personal opinion it is the same as the one before, we are all in the same situation, it only depends what are you doing with it and how do you want to approach it.

Now I would like to make a shout out to all of the positive people in the world, who know they are in the same gutter but still keep their heads up and do whatever they can to go on, keep that smile and helping people to smile again as well. To all the people who are not giving up and to all of the people who want to reach those stars. You are the real heroes we need, but remember we are all the same after all, the only difference is that some are aware of this and go on sharing positivity, some are aware and settled with the sad truth and some are just unaware and will never learn.

Fight club snowflake

Credit to: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/825706912904011768/

The more you know, the less you know

The learning process I was undergoing in the last couple of months gave me the chance to realize there is one special characteristic which I really really really hate.

I am talking about selfishness.

As a small boy I already learned how to share my toys even though I wasn’t always happy about it. As a young man I knew that giving some of my french fries to friends next to me is more socially acceptable than telling them to buy them on their own. As a man I was taught, that I should respect people next to me regardless if they are younger, older, male or female.

Due to my families raising methods I became a very sharing person. More than that, I became a good guy. Everyone loves the good guys, you can cry your soul out on their shoulder, you can go out with them without being sexually attracted to them. You can share your deepest secrets with them and knowing, they will never tell. Oh yes, everyone loves the good guys.

The only people who don’t like the good guys are the good guys themselves. The longer you stay in this “Nice guy” lifestyle, the more you will get exploited in any possible ways.

After long years of practicing this lifestyle and being exploited by my friends, family, supervisors, school and girlfriends you just either accept who you are or change your lifestyle.

As much I wanted to change myself, I always kept being the person I am. You can’t really fight your nature, doesn’t matter how things are.

While life is a never ending learning process I figured out, that selfishness is one of the worst characteristics you can learn and practice. It’s deadly as poison, sharp as a newly made knife and as hurtful as pouring salt into a fresh wound. Nevertheless, people decide to be that way. Some decide to bully, hurt and kill, others decide to smile, help and love.

I am sacrificing everything to make my friends, family and beloved ones happy, still I am falling on my knees on every single day and regret that I couldn’t be that “bad boy”, because I never learned how to.

The older I get, the more it hurts to see, that these people are still out there and they will hurt you, regardless what happened before, if you loved them or knew they are this way, they will hurt you, with an arrogance and style, like you never thought would be possible. They will enjoy your pain for a second, wave their hand and move on. While you bleed on the ground on the edge of life and death, they will take a second look, smile and walk away.


After a while, when you get up again and realize what happened, you will be the one rethinking the decisions, actions and regret all wrong you have done, whilst the selfish person will not even remember any of their self-focused actions.

You think you learn after a while and you think you learn from your mistakes to go on to a better life until you smash your head in running straight through a solid wall of reality, waking you up from your dream life.

Therefore I advise you to not assume things, to not trust people, to try to see through them before they get you down and to not let them burn the last piece of good in you. I can only hope you will be wiser and learn more from your mistakes than I have. I can only hope that all the selfish people out there are going to pay their price and I can only say, we as the “nice guys”, we have a fucking hard life to go through, not the self-centric, confident and not caring assholes out there.

I hope you all meet my old friend Karma, she tends to be fair.


Credit: http://anmolmehta.com/what-is-karma-buddhist-definition-what-karma-means/

Feeling this…

The human mind is an incredible tool which works in so many ridiculously impressive and unpredictable ways.

The feelings we have make us human and have a big influence on all the things on our minds.

I recently discovered how close minded some of the “open minded” people actually are, hell I discovered, that even I am the close minded at some things.

As much as I hate all of the feelings I am carrying inside myself, I have to admit, that I am happy to be filled up with emotions instead of a hollow shell.

I am feeling sorry for all the people around, who are just interested in money, materialism and capitalism. Don’t get me wrong, money is important, having a new electronic devices was and always will be for me a thing which makes me happy and capitalizing on a project you have set up yourself is a good thing how to go through life, but seriously guys… That’s not it, is it?

Is this all you seek in life? “Getting money, getting bitches“ – as they say?

Yes, it all looks so perfect from the distance, having the money you can afford anything in life, having all the sex you want will not fulfil your heart with love on a long run.

I want as well money a working business and all the sex possible somehow, but I will rather settle up with a normal job, living a healthy love filled life with hopefully having a wife one day and just be happy to be here, instead of all the money.

I would change all my money, education, knowledge and belongings just to be happy.

Some say: “If you are one of those people who thinks ‘Happiness is not about money, it’s not about things you can buy’, then you don’t know what life is about and your argument is pointless as you have never been poor”.

I can only agree, I have never been poor to the point of being homeless or begging for money, but I also was never rich and my whole family was on a money roller coaster putting us up and down on a regular basis.

What I am saying is, that I would rather be a poor person with a heart of gold than a person with a golden house without any feelings and stone cold.


Today I woke up with a good feeling, having a match with a girl on one of the social applications on my phone. Filled with a little of hope I grabbed my phone and started texting her.

She rejected me.

You see rejection is something we need to deal on a daily basis, it doesn’t matter if it’s in human relations, your job or any other area. I think I have been rejected so many times, I should be used to it.

In the end it was not the rejection that hurt me, because being honest, people need time to even like me or talk to me in a normal “friendly” way and I don’t blame them, I am an unstable piece of hard work to get to know me.

The thing what hurt me was the rejection followed up by insults about my intelligence by a girl which I approached with an open heart.

Even though you are not into these apps, stay with me to get my point.

You don’t know anything about that person and she doesn’t know anything about you but your profile description and some pictures. That’s all you have and all you can work with.

To make it a good conversation you have one shot and that is one message, it’s the decision if you gonna stay in contact, if she even replies or if you even want to give it a try.

I suppose my approach is not very good and therefore I am less successful then my friends at this and I don’t even mind, I just mind trying to be honest, friendly or just a gentleman, which is not respected and clearly not appreciated nowadays.

I am the nice guy showing up at your work with roses for your birthday, but women don’t want that.

I am the deluded guy writing to you a good morning and thinking about you before I go to sleep, but women don’t want that.

I am the weird guy who stays with you if you are sick and look after you, but women don’t want that.

Well, what do women want? I don’t know that (obviously).

But what I know is that just being nice is not enough, or it’s maybe even too much.

Nowadays the game has changed, you don’t win by being good and nice, you don’t win by giving love and forgiveness and especially it will not make you happy, because you gonna get hurt every time you expose yourself like this.

Coming back to my initial idea. I love being emotional and being filled with feelings, but man…

Man… It’s hard.

having emotions

Credit: https://cz.pinterest.com/pin/121315783688561869/

Stay yourself – NOT

As opposing article to my previous one “Stay true to yourself”, this reflects the other side of the story, how we people are changing and how nothing is going to stay forever.

In a German song they sing – roughly translated – “Everything has an end, but why does it need to be the ending?”. I am obsessed with searching for lyrics and meanings of the songs that I love, unfortunately this might hurt some people, when they tell me it’s their favorite song and then I explain the actual meaning of the song (check the “Pumped up Kicks by Foster the People” if you want to know what I mean).

So recently my relationship has ended, and I got dumped. I am not complaining or crying my soul out on the internet, (I did that already subconsciously in other articles) I rather think about stuff and try to improve. That doesn’t just build up self confidence but also shows the person what they are missing. Heh, not that anyone would care, right?

One of the key sentences I was told from my hoped to be soul mate was – “Stay yourself.”

You know the moments, when somebody triggers a feeling in you by saying something and it just hits you right in the face, or in the feels, to be more specific.

I am a person dealing with a lot of negative stuff and I am hardly managing my life, I am still surprised to be here around with all of you and being able to write this down without having a mental breakdown but still I am here, giving ideas, advises and thoughts of my daily life.

So the expression of “Stay yourself” was at that point and actually still is ridiculous. Nobody can expect to stay yourself. Why you ask? Because you just experienced a disappointing life experienced, which has totally changed your view on so many things. I mean from every relationship or even from every failure in your life, you should try to learn, overcome it and go on with your life in such a way to not do the same mistakes. I was also saying this expression when I was younger, or I say it to people when I find them awesome and want them to continue with their awesomeness.

Anyway, getting dumped and staying yourself is not an option. Well it is, but a very horrible one. As it’s said doing the same thing over and over again without learning from your mistake defines insanity. Therefore I am gladly rejecting to stay myself. I will much rather learn from it, get over it, improve myself, analyze what I have done wrong, and never ever want to be my past self again.

This is all connected to my last article. Stay true to yourself, but learn, transform, evolve, get better and show them what you’ve got, because if they don’t appreciate you, they are not worth of your presence.

if you lose but find yourself

Credit: https://me.me/i/if-you-lose-someone-but-find-yourself-you-won-winning-12016937